For a while, I’ve been testing a new opening line to a conversation that isn’t “How are you doing” or “How have you been”. Over the years, I realized the “How are you?” family of questions have zero substantive value. Repeat guest answers include “fine”, “okay”, and “good”. This family of questions are often placeholder for “I don’t know how to start the conversation.” And hold as much value as “like” or “umm”.
I will admit that sometimes people do mean it when they ask “How are you?”. Yet, oddly enough, in those moments, the question becomes twice as powerful when asked again in quick succession. “How are you really?”
Don’t get me wrong. Often times, my knee jerk reaction is still “How are you?” for more instances than I’m willing to admit. But I’m working on changing it. After all, I’ve already seen the amazing results of its alter ego.
This is admittedly less of a DGQ (damn good question) and more of a DGT (damn good tactic). Instead of asking a question, make a speculation as the icebreaker. The more detailed the speculation, the more engaged the response. In practice, adding a flare of exaggeration often helps lighten the mood, but too much and it might reflect poorly on your first impression. Metaphors and similes often help a lot.
Here’s are a couple examples that I’ve used in the past:
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| What did you do over the weekend? | If they look worn out, “You look like you fought tooth and claw with your two children over the weekend. Who won?” |
| If not, “You’re smiling from ear to ear. You look like you just cleaned the table at poker night.” | |
| What do you do for a living? | “I’m going to take a wild guess here. You’re an award-winning freelance designer who moonlights as a webtoon artist that just sold 50,000 copies.” |
| “Don’t tell me what you do. Let me take a stab and tell me if I’m right or right. You’re a recovering investment banker and found that you had a talent for music development | |
| How are you doing? | “You look like you’ve shaved 10 years off with that new keto diet.” |
| “That new dance class is really working out for you, isn’t it?” |
Always default on positivity rather than negativity. And if your brain still goes to the negative, try adding in some lightheartedness. If you know the person already, do a bit of light research on their socials to give some credit to your speculation. If you don’t, observe their habits and apparel as a starting point. Comment on what you think they’re really proud of (i.e. physique, fashion).
People love to be heard, and letting people know that they will be heard before they even speak provides them the safety net to engage in thoughtful conversation with you.
There is a caveat. It works far less effectively when you’re in a short call and the other person is focusing on making a transaction than considering the potential of a long-term relationship. That’s not your fault. Some people are just like that, and it’d be a waste of your time to try to convince them otherwise.
As with all great ideas and tactics, this too is not original. Every time someone makes me really feel at home or when a friend tells me someone makes them feel like the most important person in the world in that moment when they converse, I observed their behavior. And many of those individuals, some who ended up being good friends of mine, used the above tactic in one way or another.
Photo by Jeremy Zero on Unsplash
The DGQ series is a series dedicated to my process of question discovery and execution. When curiosity is the why, DGQ is the how. It’s an inside scoop of what goes on in my noggin’. My hope is that it offers some illumination to you, my readers, so you can tackle the world and build relationships with my best tools at your disposal. It also happens to stand for damn good questions, or dumb and garbled questions. I’ll let you decide which it falls under.
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